THE PERFECT LIFE

by Erika Purtell

page 3 of 3

  Carolyn closed the book and sighed. She remembered Sparky and she remembered how much she hated that little dog. It had been a fox terrier and it had ruined Carolyn’s favorite pair of shoes. She remembered hitting the poor animal very hard with a newspaper.
  Suddenly she felt terribly guilty. She remembered hating Lydia for coming home from the hospital. Lydia had received so much attention when she was a baby because she had been born premature.
  A knock on the door startled Carolyn from her reverie. Vivienne called to her,
“Carolyn? Honey, are you all right?”
She stood and stretched. She opened the door. “Look what I found.”
Vivienne’s eyes grew wide. “Lydia’s?”
Carolyn nodded.
“May I?”
“Could I read it first? Then I can tell you what to expect.”
“Yes, that’s fine. I just wanted to know if you were ready for cake.”
Carolyn joined her mother and stepfather over an unusually quiet kitchen table. There seemed to be tension between her mother and Steve, but she didn’t think it was appropriate to ask if anything was wrong.
“So,” Carolyn said as she forced another bite of cake into her mouth, “I told Dad I’d give him a visit tonight.”
Vivienne dropped her fork and stared at her. “You’re not bringing him here.”
“No, Mom. I’m not that dense. I’m going to stop at the club for an hour or so. In fact, I should probably go now.”
As Carolyn stood and put her jacket on, Vivienne wrung her hands.
Steve stared at her. “So you’re leaving just like that?”
“I’m not going to be long. I just want to see him.”
“That was hardly a visit, Carolyn. It’s not everyday that we see you.”
“I’ll be here all day tomorrow, okay?”
Vivienne stood and paced. “He’s not in a very good way, Carolyn.”
“What do you mean?”
Vivienne and Steve looked at each other. Steve stood and poured a glass of scotch over ice and went into the living room. He’d always been a talkative man and Carolyn marveled at how quiet he had become. He put the television on and she could hear the canned laughter of some unseen situation comedy.
Carolyn looked at her mother. “What’s wrong with Dad?”
Vivienne paced, searching for the right words. “Honey. Stay here. Don’t waste your time going to see him. He’s not in a very good way.”
“Oh, like things are really that great here,” Carolyn snuffed. “How much has he been drinking?” She nodded to the living room.
Her mother looked as if she’d been stabbed in the chest. “He’s going through some problems at work.”
  “What kind of problems?” “Oh, the usual,” Vivienne said, habitually wringing her hands.
  “Does he tell you what’s going on?”
  “I don’t intrude, Carolyn. That’s none of your business either.”
  “It’s my business because I love you. I love him too.”
  When her mother didn’t comment, Carolyn pulled out her car keys and threw on her leather jacket.
“Wait,” Vivienne and Carolyn paused at the door. “Has he called you recently?”
“No.”
Vivienne sat and Carolyn stood above her. Her mother lit a cigarette and sighed heavily. Carolyn’s mouth watered at the smell of the smoke. She ignored it.
“He had a run in with the police, Carolyn.”
“What?”
“There was an article in the local paper,” Vivienne said and took a long drag of the cigarette.
“What happened?”
“He was pulled over while driving drunk and the police found cocaine in the car.”
“Oh no,” Carolyn said. “He didn’t tell me.”
“Of course not, Carolyn. That would be stupid.” Vivienne had the tone in her voice that always made Carolyn feel like a child. “He wants to paint some rosy picture of himself in you’re eyes. You should know that by now.”
There was another thick silence broken by a commercial parody of “Born to be Wild.” Steve laughed out loud in the living room.
“Don’t be stupid, Carolyn.”
Her cheeks felt hot. “I’m not stupid. I’m just surprised.” She opened the kitchen door and turned to look behind her. “I won’t be long, Mom. I promise.”
“You don’t owe him anything,” Vivienne said. “He wasn’t there for you, and he certainly wasn’t there for Lydia, so what’s the use?”
Carolyn looked at the worn linoleum floor. “I won’t be long, Mom. I promise.”
When she got to her car, Carolyn sat for a moment. How did her mother know exactly what buttons to push to make her feel so bad? She should understand that Carolyn would want to spend time with her biological father, no matter what he was guilty of doing. If he were a child and she were the parent, she’d forgive him no matter what he did.
She started the car and pulled onto the road. As she passed through her old neighborhood, she was glad that she didn’t let her mother sway her decision. What made Vivienne think she wouldn’t want to see her father? Nobody is perfect.
As she drove, her mind wandered to the events of the previous night. How could she kiss another man? Should she tell George what happened? Maybe she wasn’t in love with George after all. Perhaps she was not capable of love. Could it be that she was afraid of commitment?
What if Jasmine found out and blamed her? Should Carolyn make her aware of the kind of man she is dating? What if Jasmine refused to live with Carolyn now? How would she afford the rent if Jasmine moved out?
Then she thought of the diary entries. Her heart felt heavy with guilt. She had forgotten pushing Lydia from that roof. Nobody spoke of the incident after it happened. Lydia must have never mentioned it to their parents, because Carolyn was not punished for it. Perhaps deep down she was a mean, angry person and never realized it before.

  It was around 9:00 when she arrived at the karaoke club that her father owned. She entered and saw a heavy-set woman singing a Madonna song. The woman gyrated her hips and flashed her bulging stomach under a shirt that was too small for her. A member of the small audience went wild with laughter. The woman laughed along with him and it was obvious they were together.
Carolyn surveyed the room. The place had a country feel with horseshoes and deer heads mounted on the wall. At the far end of the room was a painting that her mother had made several years ago when they visited the Grand Canyon. Carolyn was surprised her father still kept it up in this place.
She smiled when she saw her old friend Ruby at the bar. Ruby had been the bartender for as long as Carolyn could remember. Ruby squealed when she saw Carolyn. She came up and gave her a huge bear hug.
“How you been, Darling?” She exclaimed. She was a tall, muscular woman and lifted Carolyn right off the floor.
“Hi, Ruby! You look fantastic!”
“Oh, stop,” Ruby said and rolled her eyes. “You’re the one who looks amazing. How’s college life treating you?”
“I can’t complain, especially since I don’t have classes in the summer.”
Ruby laughed heartily. Just then, Carolyn’s father Bruce came out of the kitchen and gave Carolyn a hug. He looked the same as he always did. He was tall with salt and pepper hair that poked from under the cowboy hat he always wore. His eyes were always mischievous and he always had a smile on his face. The only time Carolyn ever saw him appear somber was at Lydia’s funeral.
“My girl,” he said and looked into Carolyn’s face. “When did you grow up? You’ve gotten so beautiful. Can I get you anything?”
“The usual,” she said.
Bruce’s eyes glistened with glee and he clapped his hands. “The usual!” He exclaimed and disappeared into the kitchen. Carolyn found an empty table and sat. She looked around the room. An older man with flaming red hair was examining her from the bar. He approached and stood above her.
“Buy you a drink?”
She made eye contact to show she wasn’t intimidated. The man must have been in his late forties. He carried a mixed drink. He popped the maraschino cherry in his mouth and Carolyn raised her eyebrows. “My boyfriend wouldn’t like that very much.” “Oh, that one,” the man said, amused. “Well, I don’t see your boyfriend with you. Why don’t we sit together and talk.”
“Tom,” Ruby said from the bar. The man turned to her. She shook her head no. “That’s Bruce’s daughter. Let her be.”
“Well, in that case, I’ll make myself scarce.” He took a sip through the tiny straw in his drink. “Stay beautiful, beautiful,” he said and ambled back to the bar.
Bruce came from the kitchen with a steaming plate of French fries and put them in front of her. He even remembered her favorite dressings, gravy and ranch dressing.
With a mouthful of fries she said, “Diets be damned.” Ruby laughed. She turned to Bruce. “Hey Dad, guess what?”
“What?”
Carolyn took her wallet out and showed him her license. “Can I have a beer?”
“Oh my God. Your first legal drink. Ruby, it’s her first legal drink! Bring her a Rolling Rock. Well, I’ll be damned, honey. Why aren’t you out with your friends?”
“I hung out with them last night. Tonight’s my night to be here.” Ruby handed her a bottle of beer. “Thanks.”
“Happy Birthday, sugar.”
“I’m glad you came but I don’t have any presents.”
“I came to see you, Dad. I don’t need anything.”
“I know. I guess Steve gives you everything, huh?”
“No, Dad. That’s not what I meant. I just wanted to see you.”
“Well, sorry there’s not much to see. I’m sorry for a lot of things.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“No, honey. You’re not supposed to see your old man feeling depressed. I won’t do that to you, okay?”
“Is everything all right?”
“Sure, honey,” Bruce paused. “Why wouldn’t it be?”
Carolyn sipped her beer. She looked down at the red and white checked tablecloth and tried to tune out a boy singing a Guns and Roses song. She contemplated the things her mother told her, but decided not to confront him.
“Sorry you had to come on such an off night,” he said and cleared his throat. “We had our karaoke tournament last weekend. That’s when all the real singers get to perform.” As her father spoke, a girl that Carolyn had graduated high school with came up and smiled at her. “Hey, Smarty pants,” she said. It took a moment before she remembered the girl’s name. Her hair had been bleached and her shirt revealed ample cleavage.
“Lori?” Carolyn asked. “Lori Culpepper?”
“That’s the name they gave me,” Lori said and cracked her gum. She put her arm around Bruce’s waist and Carolyn coughed up a French fry. She took a gulp of her beer.
“How could I forget?” Her reply was cynical. Lori Culpepper had started a fight with her once when she came off of the field from cheerleading practice. Carolyn also remembered a time when she accused her of being a Barbie doll with no personality.
“Still picking fights with cheerleaders?” Carolyn popped a fry in her mouth.
“No,” Lori laughed. “I was so hardcore, wasn’t I? Did I ever apologize?”
Carolyn shrugged. “For what?”
“Well, since you put it that way,” Lori said. She sat at Carolyn’s table and her expression became serious. “Hey, listen. I’m sorry about Lydia. I liked her, you know. She was all right in my book.”
“Yeah. She was.”
  “Are you all right, Honey?” Bruce asked and Carolyn nodded. “Be right back.”
  The boy onstage finished his version of “Paradise City,” and the audience applauded sparingly.
  Lori lit a cigarette and offered Carolyn one. She bit her tongue and shook her head. She took another swig of beer.
  “So,” she said, “what have you been doing since graduation?”
  “Not much. I got a baby now. Want to see?”
Before Carolyn could answer, Lori took out her wallet and opened it a K-mart style photo of a little girl who could not have been more than two years old.
“Oh, she’s adorable,” Carolyn said. Her stomach felt queasy. Not only did she hate children, it was hard to believe her past enemy was now bonding with her over pictures of her new family.
“She’s a handful,” Lori said and looked at the picture fondly. “Gets into everything, but she’s changed my life for the better.”
“Wow,” Carolyn mused. “You’re a mom.” Caroline thought. Poor kid.
“Yeah,” Lori gushed, “I love it. I also sing, you know, here and there. Trying to get a recording gig, but I’m not into the hassle. Do you remember Lydia’s ex?”
  “Who, Art?”
  “Yeah. He learned guitar from my ex-husband. His band, Children of the Cosmos, just got signed. Have you seen their video?”
  “No. I don’t watch videos.”
  “Well, VTV shows ‘I’d Give My Life To Have You Back’ all the time now. It’s about Lydia, you know.”
“Really?” Carolyn felt sick. What type of song title is that?
“Yeah. It’s been really inspirational to people. I think her death really moved something deep inside him.”
  Carolyn’s blood suddenly raced with anxiety. “Well, it should have, he’s the reason she did it!” Carolyn realized she raised her voice. All eyes were on her, including the red haired man who had just taken the stage. Carolyn finished her beer. Ruby brought another. She patted Carolyn gently on the hair and left.
  “Listen,” Lori said and lit another cigarette. Carolyn stared at the glowing ember. Her mouth was watering. “I knew Art and I knew that Lydia was very attached to him. She thought they would be together forever and he truly did love her. All he asked for was some time to work on his music. Children of the Cosmos was touring and doing really well. I think she was hanging out with some really shady people. You know, she overdosed more than once.”
  She offered a Marlboro to Carolyn and she took it. She lit it and savored the smoke in her lungs. It was so good she felt like crying. She didn’t know what to say. Part of her wanted to know what happened during the last phase of Lydia’s life, but she felt like it was too much to learn in one day.
  “Lydia couldn’t stand that Art had a life happening outside of her. It wasn’t entirely his fault. I don’t think he’ll ever get over it.”
  The next hour passed in a blur. Carolyn methodically answered her father’s questions about her new apartment and about George. When he asked about her next semester of classes, Carolyn felt even sicker. She looked at Lori, who had never attended college and who seemed completely happy being a mother.
  It was ten thirty when she said goodbye to Bruce. He hugged her tightly for several seconds and kissed her on the forehead.
As she was leaving, Lori stopped her. “I have a question for you.” Carolyn took the second cigarette that was offered to her. Lori lit it for her and they exhaled at the same time. “Do you judge Lydia for the way she lived her life?”
She wasn’t sure how to answer that. She felt giddy and nauseous from the beer and was not prepared for such a question. She was glad to have the cigarette to keep her hands busy.
“No,” she finally answered. “Why?”
“I don’t know. I guess you strike me as the type who makes judgments about other people.”
“That sounds like a judgment. I think everyone does to a certain extent.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right. Hey listen, I’m sorry I was such a jerk in high school. You were just so goody-goody and you seemed so perfect. I feel guilty about it.”
She gave Carolyn a hug before letting her go.
Carolyn’s mind was spinning as she drove home. It had been unnerving to spend most of her time chatting with Lori. It seemed that all Lydia wanted was someone who would love her exactly as she is. Was that too much to ask in life? Was that too much to ask of a relationship?
Was that too much of George to ask of her in their relationship? At least Art hadn’t cheated on Lydia. His music had been the most important in his life and Lydian couldn’t take that. Now he regrets it and it’s made him a success. How messed up is that?
How could he continue singing knowing he had been the cause of Lydia’s depression? How could someone continue on with their life knowing that they had turned that person away from the joy of living?
No, she realized. Lydia had made her decisions on her own. She could’ve gotten the proper medical help if she’d have only made that decision. It wasn’t right to hold Art responsible for Lydia’s actions. He had every reason to go on with his life.
  At that moment, her cell phone rang. She maneuvered the car with one hand and put the ear bud in her phone with the other. It was George. Her heart jumped out of her chest. Suddenly she was talking a mile a minute as he listened patiently.
  It was almost eleven when she pulled into her mother’s driveway. She sat for a moment. In silence she wondered if she should tell him about her encounter with Logan. She didn’t. “I’m glad you called,” she finally said.
“Call me when you get back tomorrow. You know I love you, right?” Carolyn’s heart felt extremely light. “I love you too. No matter what.”
  When Carolyn got inside, she heard the television playing quietly in the living room. She entered to find Vivienne and Steve sleeping together on the couch in front of a Julia Roberts movie. She tiptoed across the room and turned the set off.
  “What time is it?” Vivienne muttered.
  “Almost eleven. Sorry I’m late.”
  “It’s okay,” her mother said as she stood and stretched. Steve shuffled off to the bedroom. “Do you need anything, honey?”
  “No, Mom.”
  “Pleasant dreams, dear,” she said and kissed Carolyn on the cheek. “See you in the morning.”
  The house was quiet as Carolyn entered her old bedroom. Her mother had brought her backpack into the room and an envelope was laid on top of it. She tore it open and found a check inside for $500 written out by Steve. In the Memo section he wrote: Carolyn’s ticket. She smiled and tucked it away safely.
  After brushing and flossing, she put on her favorite pajamas and sat on the bed. After a few minutes of deliberation, she dialed Jasmine’s cell phone. She was surprised when Jasmine answered.
  “Hello?”
  “Hi, it’s me.”
  “Oh, hey, what’s up?”
  “Nothing, are you home?” “Yeah. Logan just left.”
  “Oh. Well, I wanted to talk to you. I have something to tell you.”
“Is it about Logan?”
“Well, yes.” “What? Is it about last night? He already told me.” “You’re not mad?”
  “Well, nothing happened, did it? He wants to apologize. He feels really bad.” “Really?” A wave of relief washed over her and Carolyn swallowed heavily. “I was worried it was going to come between us.” “Don’t worry about Logan, I know how he is when he’s drunk.”
  “He does that kind of thing all the time?”
  “Well,” Jasmine replied. “Not all the time, but I know I’m his true love. I give him space and we are completely honest with each other.”
  “Are you ever with other men?”
  “Well, not completely. I mean I only have sex with Logan and he with me. But we’ve been together long enough to trust each other. We always come back. It’s strange.”
  “You’re really not mad?”
  “No, and I don’t blame you for anything, OK?”
  “How did you know that’s what I was thinking?”
  “I don’t know. Underneath it all, you seem to be a real worrier.”
  “I guess I am.”
  “Don’t be. Life is not perfect. Whatever will be will be.”
  “Amen to that.”
  “All right,” Jasmine yawned. “See you tomorrow night?” “Yeah.”
  Carolyn closed her phone and sat for a moment. She thought about the people in her life; her parents, Steve, George, Jasmine, Logan and even Lori. How did she come to know such interesting and unique people?
  Either way, she felt glad that she was home. She was grateful for her friends and George and her family. She felt happy that she would be returning to her apartment with Jasmine tomorrow, not the dorms. She would always wish she had helped Lydia, and she would wish she had treated her better as they were growing up. Guilt still lingered in her heart and she hoped to forgive herself for treating Lydia so badly.
  Perhaps she would see Lydia in her dreams again sometime. Remembering the sweetness of her last dream allowed her to feel some peace of mind. She closed her eyes and tried to think of the blessings in her life.
Life was not perfect, but she would have to accept it that way. All in all, she felt glad to have grown into the person that she was. Lydia would want her to be happy with herself and her life. Of that she was certain.
She closed her eyes and fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.

THE END

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